jazz

Having outlined the basic concepts responsible for the eyeball-insulting phenomenon that is Modern Art, here we turn our attentions to its aural equivalent: Jazz.

Let there be no misapprehension: there is nothing pleasant about listening to Jazz. The term alone offends the ears. This is a word that takes the arse-end of the alphabet, and just for kicks, repeats it. Jazz. Note the extraneous ‘z’. For those new to the genre, this serves as some indication of the sort of nonsense one can expect from Jazz.

So what is Jazz? Picture to yourself the following scenarios: a piano keyboard being danced across by midgets in steel-capped boots. A walrus hiccuping into a trumpet. Corks being fired repeatedly at a double-bass. Corks with the bottles still attached being fired repeatedly at a double-bass. An over-excitable sugar addict burbling into a saxophone. A snare drum in a washing-machine. Now imagine, if you will, all of the above happening simultaneously, and you have some impression of the chronic flatulence that is Jazz.

Nor is Jazz confined to the aural plane. The 1950s saw experimental writers attempting to capture the spirit of Jazz in prose form, with variable results. This mode of writing gave Jazz its own language, which unfortunately - or perhaps, fortunately – did nothing to clarify the matter. The following extract from the novel ‘Be-bop!’ by Cal Rutz is typical of the genre.

‘Me and Fats Burger and crazy ol’ Gummy Ninepins, we were souls spilling and crashing like the flush on a broken-down toilet. Headed in the night with the sweet knives of the stars pricking and stabbing the sky. We knew cress! It was cress and the word was with the Big Ol’ God of Cress. Into the bars and clubs with the smokelight jazz noodlings of Slim Tinfoil, he was like wild and holy in the shroud of Jazz. ‘Skee-ba-bop! Skee-bop! Ska-ba-be-ska-bop!’ farted the trumpet. In all and above the cheeks of Slim Tinfoil bulged and puffed like watermelons in a parcel on a train bound for Now. We jumped.

Notice to our readers: Jazz may sometimes cause the following side-effects: numbness; loss of vision; hallucinations; renal failure; allergic skin reactions; death. We can accept no liability for any personal loss or injury incurred as a result of reading this account of Jazz, and advise our readers in the event of any of the above to consult their doctor or pharmacist.