Modern art

Modern Art is an anagram of Shit.

This is by virtue of the fact that if you take a lot of shit, and rearrange it, then with very little effort you have Modern Art. Yet whilst the creation of Modern Art lies within the reach of any cretin with a paintbrush and a pair of safety scissors, the interpretation of this particular aesthetic is a skill requiring many years of study to perfect. For the benefit of our readers who haven’t the patience to learn how to tie their shoelaces, let alone embark upon a lifetime of scholarship, here we present a basic introduction to the major schools of Modern Art.

i) The Square School

Squares. Basically, squares, and then some more squares, possibly enclosed within a square. The Square School takes the geometric simplicity of the four-sided shape and hammers the crap out of it. The Square represents the closed-off sections of the human psyche; in its echo of the frame in which it is contained, it enacts the inevitable conformity to one’s surroundings; in its regimented form and hollowness, it depicts the duplicitous nature of modern society. Or, as the great art critic Walter T. Shovepenny so succinctly put it, ‘Gee, that’s a whole bunch of squares’.

ii) The School of Lines

The School of Lines is much like the Square School, only slightly more pointless. These are squares that can’t be bothered making the effort. In vertical form, lines encode the sickening exploitation of the paper-clip in office culture. In the horizontal trend, lines urge the viewer to consider the way in which the pages of a magazine stick together, only to reveal a double-leaf advert for the Honda Civic when finally separated some hours later.

iii) The Primary School

This School employs paint like it’s going out of fashion. In an accurate representation of the behaviour of five-year-olds everywhere, the aim of the Primary School is to arrive at an end product that appears to be the brainchild of a chimpanzee on acid.

iv) The Heap of Metal

This is a heap of metal, skilfully rearranged to look like a heap of metal.

v) The Functional School

The ethos behind this school is that form is function, and therefore nothing should exist that does not in some way answer a purpose. Though if you’ve ever actually sat on one of the chairs designed by a student of Modern Art, you will quickly realise that this is not the case, as you hurriedly collect what remains of your teeth following their sharp and often painful contact with your knees.

vi) FITD

This School is currently experiencing a rapid upsurge in popularity. F**k It, That’ll Do, commonly abbreviated FITD, has produced such great masterpieces as ‘Unfinished Breakfast #3′, ‘Yesterday’s Bus Ticket’ and the seminal ‘Curry Stains’, which has recently been praised by the leading art publication ‘The Chin-Stroker’s Weekly’ as ‘following in the footsteps of Turner’.

This Guide has introduced you to the basic categories and schools of Modern Art. It is now in your hands, and we advise you to rip it up before any further damage ensues.