Technology

Technology. Such a harmless word. But no. Technology wants you to die. Moreover, it wants you to die clutching a manual printed in Portuguese, a nest of cabling, three different but similarly useless sound cards, the number for Microsoft Helpline and what remains of your sanity.

Technology is integrated so completely into our day-to-day existence that it is hard to conceive of life without it. But what would technology look like to the uninitiated? Let us imagine.

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

A mystical incantation with the power of dispelling evil influences. Ctrl+Alt+Delete calls up the all-knowing Task Manager, who alone has the power to restore order by uttering the command ‘End Now!’ However, the Task Manager is on occasion a little forgetful, which leads him to ask ’Are You Sure You Want to End Now?’ Tradition dictates that the appropriate response to this question is to beat the keyboard repeatedly with your fists.

‘Internet Explorer has performed an illegal operation’

Who is the fabled Internet Explorer, and why is he such a shifty character? Theories abound that the Explorer is in league with pigeons (see Stationary Thoughts II: Pigeons) and their fraudulent activities. The Explorer is wont to hang around bars bumming free drinks, hence the expression ‘You’ve opened a new tab’. To be avoided at all costs.

Java Update

Technology makes life easier in myriad ways, and one of them is offering to refill your coffee. Two sugars, please. If you press the button on your PC tower, a small tray becomes available in which to rest your cup.

Command not found

The Task Manager, being forgetful, has temporarily mislaid his Book of Incantations.

Fixboot

Yet another of Technology’s many advantages; in this instance, repairing that hole in your shoe.

‘Microsoft Word has encountered a problem and needs to close’

Just occasionally, Technology goes wrong. But don’t worry! That 100-page document you were working on will be perfectly safe. Moreover, Word will take the heathenish language contained within your document and convert it into something infinitely more legible, like ‘&&££ulbd+&^£^*£(%£’, which roughly translates as ‘you’re screwed’. Hand this to your line manager. Promotion? Certainly.