pigeons

Pigeon (n.): One of the lesser-known unstable gases in the Periodical Table of Elements. Pigeon is unpredictable particularly when exposed to such organic compounds as kebab, chip, and Trill, which may trigger a rapid decomposition reaction leading to explosive detonation.

Pigeon (v.): The act of seizing another’s grain; in extended use, the unauthorised taking of another’s lunch, esp. sandwiches. ‘I were only gone five minutes, and when I came back some bugger had pigeoned me roll’ (E. Grimes, ‘The Working Lunch’ (1942), 4). ‘Bazza, I could see ‘im eyein’ me, right, but I ‘ad nuffin’ to pigeon, innit, so ‘e pisses off’ (K. Sharpe, ‘The Minto Close Gang’ (2004), 87).

A word of warning: if you see a pigeon, you’d better watch it. Look at the pigeons, as they strut about the concourse of railways up and down the land with their nauseating gait. Why are they there? Pigeons are notorious confidence tricksters. The pigeon will often don a pinstripe suit and bowler, tuck a copy of The Financial Times under its wing, and pose as a commuter on the 8.10 to London Euston. The pigeon gives every impression of having ‘business in the Capital’. It will peruse the Financial Times with the air of one whose eye is keenly on fluctuations in the bird-seed market. This is not the case. The pigeon opposite you is, in fact, intent on stealing your identity.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Pigeons are predominantly found in three places: railway stations, shopping precincts, and civic monuments. This is not a coincidence. Following a day’s work of credit-card-cloning and identity theft, the pigeon will spend the fruits of his labour at the earliest opportunity. The pigeon’s Achilles’ heel is his delusions of grandeur, manifest in the ambition to replace all commemorative structures with his likeness, and his weakness for the take-away meal. If any solution to the problem exists, it lies in this fact. The only alternative is to convince the pigeon to assume his own identity, thereby causing confusion and, almost certainly, spontaneous combustion. These are dangerous and indeed potentially messy times